The awkward moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name and not even the date.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
The only thing Google can’t tell you is what you forgot to look up.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
First thing I do in the morning is look at the clock and pray I have more time to sleep.
I never re-check my test… I just flip through the pages.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
